Tuesday, November 21, 2006


As of tomorrow, I have exactly one month in which to:
1. Make projects for the family. This involves three scarves, one drawing, one poncho, one painting, and some cross-stitch.
2. Make projects for the friends. This includes seven somethings. Scarves? Promises?
3. Finish my novel. This means writing the rest and then re-writing.
4. Get a loan. So I can finish school. Maybe this one shouldn't be #4.

Well, the point is that I shouldn't be blogging. There are a billion OTHER things I should be doing with my hands. Like PACKING, since I leave tomorrow for the Thanksgiving Family Feast. But I just left Roxie at a friend's house so she can hang out with her dogs, and I'm feeling a little distraught about it...

To quote a good friend, "GUT UP."

Monday, November 13, 2006

Little Cable

I now have my first knitted cable going! It's so tiny and cute--a skinny scarf perhaps? A belt? I'm feeling like a beginning knitter... the first thing I ever made was a bookmark. I'll put up pictures when I find someone with a camera.

I've been making something of myself by knitting during lunch at school. Now, I know this is strange. But Christmas is so close! I have so many THINGS to make! One of the teachers has asked me to teach her how to knit, though. How cool! My strangeness is spreading!

My computer narrowly avoided disaster yesterday when the dobersaurus crashed it off the shelf. The power cord bent, but I can still shove it into the computer. Doubtless I'm damaging something delicate inside, but my solution works and it's free, so... I'll keep blogging.

I have a novel due in two weeks. MUST STOP PROCRASTINATING. Doesn't two weeks seem far enough under the wire to keep me up at nights? Nah, nothing keeps ME up at nights. Except--there is this really cute little cable that I am working on. It's hot pink, and it's my first one, and...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Spoiled by Yarn

I just LOVE LOVE LOVE these expensive Japanese yarns!!! I had bought two skeins of Diakeito on-sale at the snobby yarn store a while back when funds were plentiful (well, if not plentiful, they were at least THERE), and then I got two more free skeins at the knit out. They are such beautiful colors, and I can really tell a difference in quality. I want to knit with them always.

Also, I'd like to try some direct-from-the-sheep yarns.

I want to learn, eventually, how to go from the sheep to the spinning to the dying to the knitting. What a feeling--to have produced the object from the very beginning.

Unfortunately, there are funding and time constraints. Oh to have a job at the snobby yarn store!

I am enjoying pretending that I can afford these yarns at the moment, though, and some people are going to have really nice Christmas gifts, if I can bear to part with them.

BTW, I am DONE with the Feather and Fan pattern when I finish this scarf. It will be time to move on.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

A Work in Progress!

This is what I've been working on all weekend:

Isn't it pretty? The yarn costs $15 a skein, and I didn't buy it. It was free at the Knit Out this year. Unfortunately, the two free skeins are only 2/3 of a scarf. Oh well. I'll buy one more. It's going to make a REALLY pretty Christmas gift for an unnamed somebody.
More pictures of works-in-progress soon. Until then, enjoy some time with my dog.

Friday, October 20, 2006

There is Nothing in Life that a Little Wine and a Lot of Chocolate Won't Fix

Well, I guess there are a few things.

But tonight I feel better. After a very bad week, I am ready to move on. Gus is outside. Roxie is inside, with a bone in her mouth. I am watching TLC and about to pull out the knitting.

By golly, life can keep throwing things at me. I'll keep getting up.

But I may have a little wine and chocolate while I'm at it. Alone. With the dogs.

Monday, October 16, 2006


And there's no time for blogging!

There's time for e-mail! And Instant Messaging!And finding knitting websites! And lounging on the couch with Roxie!


Saturday, October 07, 2006


This is the pretty boy that my roomate and I are fostering now:

Isn't he the most gorgeous thing? A fawn doberman!

Animals make me happy.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


The hardest thought for me is the thought of disappointing someone. I have always wanted to be a star person--to be one of the really special ones.

For a while I tried to be ordinary. It was like a breath of fresh air.

But ordinary is disappointing. So I'm trying to be special again. And I can't do it. Maybe I tried so hard to be ordinary that I lost my special-ness.

Or I just need to take my medication.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I'm Never Ever Going to Graduate

My main frustration today: apparently I'm going to be a student FOREVER. And never a teacher. It makes me very very very sad.

At least I can knit on the side.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Mean Kids

Kids are so mean. As a teacher's aide, I don't know what to do about this. If I hear a comment, I can say, "Hey, don't say that," but all they learn is to say it more quietly. They always pick on people when they can't defend themselves.

The kid who doesn't speak English is the biggest bully. But how else can he communicate but in the universal language of meanness? There's not really another universal language that fourth graders share.

Friday I had to talk to two of my girls in the hall because one had told the other that she wouldn't be her friend anymore. The friendless is one of my special ed kids, so I stood out in the hall and hugged her and she hugged me so fiercely. I am not all that comfortable with touch for such an extended period of time, but I tried to stand there and hug her back and be present. She hugged and hugged until finally I had to tell her that she was OK, and it was time to go back to class.

My kid, A, wears t-shirts and holey sweatpants a lot. I want to shake his mother. Isn't it enough to be autistic? Does he have to wear weird clothing too?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

And one more thing:


And she sits and lets, wait, asks for me to put it on. And she is dry in the rain. And I just love dat dog.

2 Months Down...

I haven't disappeared. I haven't given up on blogging. I've been busy, though.

I looked in a photo album today that I had titled "Shannah's Life." EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was of my dog. Hmm. What does this say about my life?

We're fostering KITTENS!!! They're very cute and cuddly. Well, that's a lie. They're very cute. Only one is cuddly. The others hide inside the recliner and refuse to come out unless I pull them out. One tried to escape through the window last night.

My computer is still broken, so blogging will continue to be few and far between. But it helps me think to write down, so I will continue!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A Clean Day

Well, actually most of today was a "dirty day," but that title seemed a bit, um, dirty...

My old place is CLEAN and NEAT and ready for a new person. I have mixed feelings about that. I guess you always do.

I had a great day with my Mommy today. She was so much help with EVERYTHING, from keeping me sane to cleaning out the oven. And she left me with a fully stocked pantry. She deserves an award of some kind. A REALLY big one.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Robinson Crusoe

Why am I enjoying a story about an 18th Century man stranded on a desert island? Why would I be fascinated with him? I don't even like him, really...

Ah. Classic Literature. "Lit-r-ture" in a snobby British accent, I say.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Knitting Group Tonight

I love these women. I love how we sit in a circle together, and how we laugh. I love that women have been doing this for CENTURIES, together just like this. Or alone just like me at home. I feel connected that way. Centuries of prayer and thread and everything.

I just need to learn how to spin wool into yarn. I know how to feed and care for the sheep. (well, goats?) So I need to learn to shear, then card, then spin and color and then I will be able to make a sweater completely. I think that might be satisfying...

But it is satisfying, too, to sort through our shawls this evening and give this extra shawl to this person on our prayer list, to assign a shawl to be made for that person, to sit and find time to INTENTIONALLY care about someone particular. There's not much time for that now-a-days.

On an entirely different note: I'm reading Robinson Crusoe and its really racist. Hmmm....should this be a banned book? Of course I don't believe in banning books, especially this one, sometimes considered the "first novel." But it's tough. We'll see how it plays out...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Note on Comments

I know that there has been some trouble with leaving me "comments" on my postings. I changed some settings. So try again! But e-mail me too, so that I can check if they are showing up. If you post and then re-load the page, you should be able to see your comment then. If not, I have NO IDEA, and will e-mail the website to see what's up.

Because, truly, what's the point of having a blog if others can't comment on it? Then I might as well keep a diary and force everyone to read it. Or something. (Well, I'm tired. And a little lack-lustered.)

After a LONG absence...

Well my computer's broken. BROKEN. Like there's a little blinking question mark. Apparently the darn thing has lost its hard drive. (How do you LOSE a hard drive?) I should be motivated to fix this. Instead I feel like giving up the Internet entirely. I've gone without a phone. I've gone without TV. Heck, I've gone without a computer, too.

But I'm addicted! I can't check all the blogs I read...those knitting sites...environmental news...church politics... I didn't realize how much time I spend on the Internet. (But evidently my friends did. Faries asked me how I was surviving without it. Not well, Faries. Not well.)

Linda moves next week. :-( My love goes with her and the hope that she will be happy in her new place, with lots of peace and quiet. (Or noise if she wants! It's up to her.) I hope living alone is GREAT... and a wink goes with that. At least there will be no Roxie to poop in the path to the dumpster. Good luck, Linda!

ROXIE UPDATE: No pillows eated at the new house yet. No shoes eaten. Roxie has managed to accumulate one ball of barbed grass in her ear, one major ear infection, hundreds of ticks and fleas, and a new leash. Not to mention lots of new friends at the vet's office. I wonder if they have caller ID. I wonder if they have to cast lots on who will answer the phone next. I just give them my name and Roxie's name now. I don't bother with the greeting. They probably already know. I feel like the panicky mother. I shall never be able to have children. One broken bone and I will, seriously, drop DEAD.

KNITTING UPDATE: Well, I have been productive here. Everything's finished on the fun fur and black shawl except the fringe, and it finally has a recipient (the same person that I started it for, but I thought wouldn't want it--she likes it!). I hope that I can get it blessed tomorrow. (My cue to quit typing and go work on it...I'm ignoring the urge.) I actually have the baby blanket FINISHED and ready to deliver. Of course, the baby should be about ready to WALK by now, but at least he'll be warm. I also helped Danielle make a fuzzy blue-and-white hat on the Nifty Knitter. I've started two more projects, too: Tricia's pink shawl and a purple chenille blanket. On the NON-KNITTING CRAFT FRONT: I've started the mural on the wall in my new bedroom (Mom's visit this weekend will speed that process, hopefully). I have painted two silly girly pictures for the bathroom or somewhere else where fluffiness is acceptable (powder room? we don't have one). I helped Carlyn start a quilt.

I seem to be on an art boom. I'm glad. I think I might even sit down to write a story. I read before bed last night. I really don't have THAT much free time. Maybe Roxie's illness is making me stay home more. Maybe I'm losing friends. Oh well. Active hands are happy hands. Or something like that.

I've written several days worth of posts here, so that I should have caught up.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Peter, Paul, and Mary Make a Point Again

If you could somehow
Pack up your sorrows
And give them all to me,
You would lose them
I know how to use them
Give them all to me.

I know how to use other people's sorrows, but my own seem overwhelming. Why? That doesn't make sense.

I guess since it's 2:30am, I ought to go to bed. I mean, an acne infomercial is on TV. And it's even the one WITHOUT Jessica Simpson. Roxie's snoring. But after going to a move, I'm a bit wired.

And I don't want to go to bed and have to start another day. Today's been good. Can't I just stick with one day?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Un-Packing is WORSE Than Packing

"A place for everything and everything in its place."

Not so! Too bad I'm not living by myself. I think I could live with piles on the floor.

I did get my pictures hung in my room, so I'm feeling good about that tiny thing. And the bookshelf is filled, and the bathroom is done.

No more yarn! No more books! Ever! (OK, well maybe LESS yarn, LESS books.)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

And the Cat Came Back...

We thought she was a goner, but:

As Dad and I were moving today, the cat I tried to save and then got upset about because I didn't and was a bad animal lover, CAME BACK! She had on a pink flea collar. So she has a home! Or at least a people. She hung out in the back yard meowing at us all day, following us in and out of the back house, in and out of the alley, in and out of the gate. When we left, she was hanging out under the trampoline. I guess Roxie's absence made her come back for a little more loving.

I'm so glad that my interference didn't kill her, and I'd like to think, that, MAYBE, my interference has something to do with her plumpness and her pink flea collar. Hopefully.

Maybe good intententions aren't always bad.

Bumper Sticker

Too bad closed minds don't come with closed mouths.

And a little bitty note:
I'M MOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A picture of the puppy Rebecca found today (so cute!):

I think dogs do show up when they think you need them, not when you want them, and not necessarily when YOU think you need them.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Purple Dreams Await Me

I have a purple room awaiting me (as of last night), and oh I'm so happy! And I move on July 4th.

Hooray! I'm moving from the numbered streets to a lettered street. Movin on up?

Sunday, July 02, 2006

A Less Noble Post

I painted last night and today. I made a painting of Roxie and one for Carlyn's room. I didn't remember how much I liked to paint, or how long it takes.

Someone told me last night that I spend too much time with my dog, and that I am far too obsessed with her. That person is right. But I don't want to change. Roxie's my crazy little beacon of love.

What's Really Important Isn't My Aching Foot

It's been a good day. I saw a stupid silly movie that I think may have helped change something in my head (in a good way) and had a long talk with Carlyn.

I don't know what to do with my life, or if I can do much of anything. But, I figure, I can love.

I'm not good at walking straight (hence the sprained ankle) or at running or at looking beautiful or eating well or laughing daintily, but I think I might be good at loving people.

And that's an OK talent to have, I think, even if it is a small little talent.

I'm going to keep practicing. I want to be the best at loving people. I want my heart to be open wide and let everyone walk in, because it's true: there's always enough to go around. I know this because there have always been so many people to love me. I can almost feel all of their arms around me right now. The best way I can love them back is to wrap my arms around someone else -- around as many someone elses as I can.

So what does my job matter, really? Or where I live? Or when I graduate?

I just need to get up in the morning, let Roxie out, and love myself first. Then I can conquer everyone else.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Foot Hurts

I guess I really have to give in and go to the doctor about this silly footsie of mine.

I didn't have anything to do today but sit at home and knit! :-D It was WONDERFUL!!!

I made a really skinny long scarf out of red Sensations Bedazzle, some really cool yarn that I've had for a while, and I added about 8" on my black and fun fur thing. So, I worked on two things that don't have any recipients, and neglected the projects that people are WAITING for...

Today I want to be an Early Childhood Intervention teacher, like Penny is. And I wanted to be that since Thursday. A whole week of the same future! This is almost unheard of. We'll see where I go from here.

I need some serious motivation, FAST. Like, a swift kick in the butt or something. I feel like giving up. ONLY six months. ONLY six months. Then money.... Why aren't I motivated about all that?

If I want to do EDI, I have to take another 12 hours. But hey, then there might be something that I LIKE doing waiting for me.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Home Again, Home Again

This morning I laid in bed with Roxie for a long time, petting her. She was snuggled up next to my stomach, so that we could feel each other breathing.

This evening I made cupcakes and Carlyn made frosting.

I am tired. This blog is tired, too.

As soon as "Batman Returns" is over I'm going to bed.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


I love Madeleine L'Engle's name. I love how monks rename themselves for their new lives, and how at baptism you take on the name "Christian."

Just now I sat in front of my computer screen for thirty minutes trying to come up with a name for myself on yahoo chat. I can't think of a single thing that is unique enough to create a name about. Years ago, I was sh_veggie. But I can't define myself tonight. Except by Roxie, and that seems sad. Or knitting, and that seems sadder. Roxie ate my favorite shoes while I was gone, apparently. Now they're gone. Everything is gone except for her. Sometimes the only way I can define my future is through her. Her energy gives me hope. She gets me out of bed. She defines me and my life.

(I suppose I defined Roxie though. Natural ears and tail because I didn't crop or dock them. Purple collar. Attitude that I chose not to crush into scared submission. "Roxanne" because she's red and the first time I met her my friend and I sang "Roxanne" to her. How would she be different if I'd named her something plainer like "Girl" or more foofie like "Queenie"?)

But if I could brand myself, how would I do it? I couldn't just now, so I gave up chatting for the evening. I just really can't figure out how to define who I am. I want to be ordinary, but I don't feel like I'm that either.

Maybe I'm not really brandable. I wonder could brand me. I'm not really a "Tech" girl. I'm not a "vegetarian." I'm not someone's mother or someone's girlfriend. I feel like I'm everyone's daughter and sister. These are good things, I know.

It seems stupid to brand myself as an "animal lover." People laugh at that. But maybe I'm that person, too: I like to make people laugh. Why can't I define myself? I've never wanted to be a person who couldn't define who they were and what they believed and who they wanted to be. But tonight, and a lot lately, I feel a little adrift. It's just too overwhelming, all this figuring out who I am and what I'm going to be. And it's overwhelming watching everyone else define themselves. Why is life coming together around me and mine still stretches on before me like a forest full of trees, so that I can't see any path at all?

At the funeral, Mimi was named "Queen Mother."

How can I be named?

My Future Is Laid Out Before Me, & It Smells Like Dogs

I am going to be the maiden aunt. With a bunch of dogs and cats. Who never gets married but lavishes expensive gifts on her beloved nieces and nephews. And that’s OK. Really. I’m looking forward to it.

I’m so glad that everyone around me has their lives working out. I’ve been worrying about them, and things are good. People are getting married, getting good jobs and dogs and puppies and children. And I’m so happy to see things working out around me.

There’s only the teeniest part of me that wonders why things AREN’T working out for me, why I finally get enough money to pay my new house’s rent for July and then I get a speeding ticket. 52 in a 40. I don’t understand why.

I killed my virtual Chia Pet because I didn’t water it. Seriously, if I kill VIRTUAL pets, how can I keep a GARDEN alive. I don’t like plants. They’re so delicate and PICKY.

Gripe, gripe, gripe. And a sigh. And a positive thought to go to bed on: Carlyn is caring for my Roxie-pooh better than I do when I’m at home.

And by the way, there is nothing stranger than riding along as a nanny with your ex-boyfriend’s family to a funeral. Really. That deserves an entire memoir all to itself.

Another Pillow Down

And this time NOT MY FAULT!!!

I blame CARLYN for leaving her own pillow down while watching Roxie. Haha!

18 down.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

King of the Hill Thoughts

Hank: Bobby, you can't be a Buddhist, we're Methodist.
Bobby: I've been meaning to ask you: what is Methodist?
Minister: Methodism is a rejection of Calvinism.
Hank: You see, Bobby, you can't be the Lama.

Some words of wisdom from "King of the Hill."


It's not often that you are in a room with the two people who possibly hate you the most in the entire world. I mean, one person is rare enough. But, as a friend said, "it builds character." So I stayed in the room, and it wasn't that bad. I don't hate them. I think THAT'S the important part. As long as I am OK with myself, I am OK in the room with anybody. Like Elinor Roosevelt's over-quoted "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

But it's hard.

Why do I have to keep on making everything really difficult? Then, I have to push through it and "build character." I'm tired of character. I want to be a selfish rich person.

And it's raining, so I might melt if I go get a coke. Poo poo on that. I'm staying in with Roxie. No more character for me.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


I've always thought that death really can't be all that bad, or it wouldn't happen to all of us. I mean, the really good ones would live forever, maybe, or float off into space, waving happily back at all of the rest of us. There are all sorts of better ways to "go" than to DIE. Rapture. Chariots of Fire. Walking with God off into the sunset.

But no. We have to die.

As an artist, I have to say that this ending doesn't show that much creativity on God's part.

And it sure hurts everyone else left behind.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Love My Sweet Dog

We went to a friend's house tonight, and Roxie was affectionate, and gave kisses, and didn't bother the cats TOO much.

No cable until next Monday! That's the earliest they can come out. How will I survive? I'll blog a lot. And play with the dog. And knit. And paint. Hmm... no cable ever?

I called everywhere begging for them to take the cat today...apparently all of the shelters are full. I'll keep calling. I can be persistant. I really DON'T want to take her to the pound so that she gets put to sleep.

Why are people on TV so thin? I thought the camera was supposed to add ten pounds. Am I honestly going to believe that these people are ten pounds skinnier then they look? I'd like to have a gap between my thighs, too. Then I'd cut my hair very short and dye it blond. And look like my skinny mother did in college instead of the scary lump I am right now... Not for long! I'm in a great group with my friends and we're all going to be skinny women!

World's Longest Scarf!

Oh so cool:

And I know that I'm not the only one who'll appreciate it. THAT'S some knitting.

And the fun blog I read it on:

Some Notes For Today

I made this logo (it will change and get better) for our new University/Youth hot spot upstairs at church: "The Parking Lot." We're starting work on it, and it's going to be GREAT, a place to come do homework, hang out between classes, and drink coffee. We're redoing the whole room. My contribution is going to be a logo and some signs... ;-)

At work, we got permission to make our full-color newsletter that I've worked so hard on. And I'm becoming a BULK MAIL expert. I've read the USPS's book pretty thoroughly... This has to be useful for something.

She made a break for it around 10:00 tonight, somehow getting out of the bathroom and out of the door and hiding under a chair while Roxie barked bloody murder. Caught! She didn't really want to run away anyhow. I'm calling some animal groups tomorrow since there's no bite on a home for her and she has to be gone before I go help Dad and Shirley and Zach move in this weekend. I am not attaching myself to her. She has no name. We are spending NO BONDING TIME together. 5 minutes, to get food, that's all.

Monday, June 12, 2006

A Long Day and No Place To Lay My Weary Head

I don't have a pillow to sleep on this evening. The dog ate mine. 17 pillows down. And I need to rewind a BUNCH of yarn. She wreaked total havoc while I was at Rebecca's birthday party. TOTAL HAVOC. My house looks like it imploded.

And she ate a TEA BAG. Why? Why eat a tea bag? That can't have tasted good. That is MAJOR boredom.

I need to NEVER leave my house in a hurry. I need to always spend lots of time with Roxie. Every day.

Zach's blanket is steadily growing! I'm on the SECOND stripe!!! (Luckily it was in the front house and didn't get eaten.)

Cat update: Still happy, eating a lot. A few people at church today thought that they might be able to help find her a home. Yay! I knew I wasn't being totally silly. Carlyn is majorly helping with her...she's such a good roomie! May have cat pictures tomorrow.

Here's a sign that I made a couple weeks ago for Faries and her cute little rat terrier, Otis:

(The blurriness is the bad photographer (me) and not the painting...)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Stray Cat

I am in the hole -- I have no money.

There was a stray cat on Austin's porch tonight. I tried to leave her. She wouldn't be left. She's beautiful, black and white long hair, has had kittens recently. She would NOT leave us or Austin's porch. She is only bones...

I was afraid that the cat would fall victim to blow-gun practice, as other cats on that porch have before.

So I took up donations ($8.50!) and took her home, where I had a cat carrier, cat food, and cat litter already from past strays and a house cat. She is residing in the bathroom. I haven't spent any of the money on her yet.

OH PLEASE someone reading this want a beautiful, sweet, YOUNG, female cat. I'll drive her anywhere. She probably just needs a good flea dip, a rabies shot, spaying, and lots of food and love.

I almost left her, truly, and I've left 3 cats this month, but this one WOULD NOT be left.

Mom, Dad, please don't be mad at me--neither one of you have a real cat... Want one?

Friday, June 09, 2006

A Not-So-Dark Day


Tonight my friends and I went out to the restaurant/winery with Rebecca and her mom. Her mother treated us to all sorts of delights in honor of Rebecca's birthday--wine, fruit and cheese, dessert. Rebecca looked beautiful. The food was delicious, the company better, and the laughter flowing.

We meet at a nursery for class tomorrow. Should be fun.

I like all these artsy-fartsy things. I was born to be an aristocrat, but unfortunately the inheritance didn't follow.

My sister and her boyfriend should be engaged soon!!! Here's a picture of them, back at Christmas. I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Tired, But Not Giving Up

It's so hard to remember that having depression is just like having your arm cut off, EXCEPT you can't see it...

It's so much easier to feel sorry for yourself and lie in bed and wish that life wasn't so overwhelming.

I was doing so good at being pro-active. It's just so TIRING. I'm not really a pro-active person. I'd rather wait for things to come to me.

(AND MOM, I know you're reading this because you're the only person who actually reads my blog, YES I am fine. Don't worry about me. I'm over-exaggerating because it makes me feel better.) :-)

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Boys and Puppy Dogs

I was going through the photo albums from last year at work today and *BAM* there was a picture of an ex-boyfriend. Shouldn't have been a big deal--I haven't even seen him in MONTHS, but it surprised me. And what a great picture! He was standing there in his ambulance, surrounded by kids. He looked oh so happy, so much happier than he ever did in pictures with me. And how telling, how wonderful! He now can be that, can be just happy all the time. I haven't seen any pictures of him lately, but I like to imagine him happy in them, just like I see happiness in my pictures lately.

It is hard to acknowledge that you made someone you love miserable. And really hard to understand, even hard for me to understand as a member of the miserable relationship.

But it's good to have gone through it all. It is good to live through anything, and to be continually growing.

I, too, will be very happy with someone else someday.

But for now, I am very happy with my beautiful dog. She keeps me going. She comforts me. She challenges me to get out of bed every day. And coincidently, she was a gift from the man in the picture. BUT beyond that, she is MINE. She sits on my feet when my friends visit. She lays beside me, curved into me, on the outside so that she can look out the window to protect me. She tears up my junk mail and bad pictures and things that I hate. (She tears up things that I like, too, but oh well.) She jumps up beside me when I come home and rubs her nose all over me until I pet her and nuzzle her back. I've always been a cat person until I got this dog. She truly is the love of my life, and I don't feel any negative feelings at all saying that. She's saved my life. (But that's a story for another day.)

After a 12 Hour "Nap"

Everything seems SO much better! (Except my stomach hurts, but that's probably residual from the MASSIVE headache I had yesterday).

I closed my eyes at 8:00 last night, woke up at 3am and turned off all of the lights, and woke up now (7:45) to a new outlook. I'm cleaning this morning, since class A has been canceled. (And nursing my poor little tummy--perhaps 3 Ibuprofen WERE too many). THEN I'm going to call the cable company and get my cable fixed! YAY!!!

Roxie is a wonderful, sweet, affectionate, darling little thing, and I'm so glad that she puts up with me not treating her like a proper dog.

I'm going to go knit while my clothes are in the dryer.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Everything is Wilting, Including Me

Does death follow me? Is this why I work at a hospice? Is this why plants wilt when they see me coming?

My cable is dead for the second time in as many weeks. And my house is a pit, so I have to clean my house so that the cable guy can come. You know, it might be rather appalling for him to come in and see dead bugs. And what does that mean about a house when even the BUGS are dead?

The air-conditioning unit is dying, too. It keeps going off and then coming back on and then fading and then getting stronger. It's really hot in the house, but it's hotter outside, so...

Roxie is making a ruckus outside, and I don't care. OK, I do, but for personal, selfish reasons. Not because I care about the neighbors.

My Dobersaurus Strikes Again

The weekend's over. Sigh. :-)

April will be back in Lubbock in a week and a half! Yay!

See at left. While I was in the shower, Roxie tore a hole in my newest pillow (it lasted almost 2 weeks). I CAUGHT her this time, though. She seemed appropriately submissive after being yelled at...but will probably do it again. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind that she will do it again. The pillow was salvageable with a little thread and a needle, so I didn't have to spend the $5 to get another pillow.

No knitting this weekend, but I did paint two signs (photos to come). Then Roxer demolished the rest of my wood supply from Dennis, so I won't be making any more signs for a while.

If I hadn't microchipped Roxie, I could sell her to some gypsies for a profit.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

"Dark Day"

I used to have these days in high school that I called "dark days" because my outlook was so dim to begin with and it only got dimmer as the day went on. Today was like that.

I have such good friends: Faries, Carlyn, Rebecca. Such a good church. Such a good, well, such a um, DOG.

A free Mary Kay pedicure today, so I have pretty toes and new flower flip flops. (If I had a camera, I'd take a picture...)

Roxie's weird bruise-pocket thing is still the same. I hope we don't have to put a drain in: $$$. At least it's not infected.

My day started with burying Nila. Which was like what burying a dog always is like. Then the day got better. We played with the darling puppies. Two are adopted! Yay! Cute Shiba Inu & Mini Schnauzer mixes (yes, it's very odd, if you know either breed). They have the funniest wirey hair. Now there's only Betony (Tony) and Raygun to be adopted. Raygun weighs 32 pounds already!!! He's a great guy, though. And Tony is so shy and yet really affectionate. Tony's the only picture I can find: They're finally all neutered so they can go as soon as they find someone to be their owner.

I really need to find a job that pays for me to play with dogs and tell the public about them...

(MY WEIGHT: 160 lbs. Oh God. I'm almost to where I was when I lost all that weight. I need to do something. Very badly.)

Friday, June 02, 2006

A Poem From the Church Newsletter

This is so good. (Except it reminds me of my entomology class, and that was rather unpleasant...) By Mary Oliver.

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean --
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down --
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thouroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through
the fields, which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

What is it that I plan to do? I would like to have a wild and precious life.
(I have to go help dig a grave for one of the sanctuary dogs tomorrow. That's one wild and precious life. Remember Nila, the sweet, beautiful yellow lab who never got adopted into a real home.)

Thoughts on Strangenesses

Well I'm exhausted. But the first week of school is over! And the newsletter at work is almost finished (another week before we get the published 11,000 puppies and a week after than until the GIANT mail-out, but still...)--it looks pretty darn good, too. Lots of improvements this time.

I stopped by Starbucks this morning and picked up an application for a job--at this point ANY job will do, especially one that could complement Hospice at nights. The funny thing about Starbucks is that there was a guy there that I kinda dated a little bit. It's always strange to run into people out of context, and stranger to think of working with them in a different context altogether.

I spent a happy morning in class today drawing leaves. I'm going to make a flower garden in the bed in front of our house, I think. I was impressed with myself and how many plants I knew and what I knew about them. When did I learn that Central Park was a garden? Or how to identify Silverleaf Nightshade and Verbena? Or that tomatoes, too, were a Nightshade? I guess I absorbed a lot through my little farm living. Class has been at Lubbock Lake Landmark, and that's an interesting place. I wonder what people 100 years ago would have thought if they knew that we would be trying to RESTORE the prairie lands to their original shape -- the "gardeners" of this site are pulling OUT mesquite trees and planting prairie grasses and flowers. It's odd that there have to be "gardeners" to return a place to its natural shape. Odd what we've done to the earth. Lubbock Lake Landmark is the oldest continuously inhabited place in North America. Odd, too, that Lubbock would be the oldest place here. Who EVER wanted to live here? I feel connected to GENERATIONS of young adults now...

I'm off to SLEEP If I have to sleep for 12 hours starting at 8:00, I WILL. Tomorrow is a long day, too. I'm working on the newsletter all weekend.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Peas, Newsletters, and Dreams

It's newsletter crunch time at Hospice again! I'm taking the opportunity, as I set margins and fix typos and add clip art, to work on boundaries. The newsletter IS important to me, but the Art of Gardening is more important, Roxie more important still, and my mental health the MOST important. A hard lesson.

I've been having the strangest dreams during my four to five hours of sleep a night. I do a lot in them. Mostly eating. Or ordering food (after a long decision-making process), and then waking up before I get to eat it. It's all very disappointing.

My homework tonight is to draw a detailed vegetable, like a tomato or an apple. I think I'll rebel and draw a pea. They're all round, anyway.

A brief update:
Roxie walk status--fair.
Boundary at work status--fair.
Attending class status--VERY GOOD. (Hey, it's only been 2 days!)
Healthy eating status--very poor.
Homework status--incomplete.
Overall mental status--fair to good

Knitting is good for my psychological being. I think I'll finish up those booties. Maybe the pea drawing will help, too.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Summer School Has Started

(Darth Vader theme)
Well, "The Art of Gardening" sounds like fun--lots of illustration and painting and drawing and stuff... but I have to start a garden! I'm going to kill everything, I just know it. "Art Appreciation" sounds, well, like a class for someone who has NEVER had art. Perhaps I'll have an easy time in that class. We'll see...
I made chocolate chip croissants today! Mm. I can just feel myself getting fatter.
My goal this summer is to start getting up early and walk Roxie. I've been reading Cesar Millan's book, and I'm going to try out his theories: Exercise, Discipline, THEN affection, and NOSE, Eyes, Ears. She will be a dog and not a human yet!
I have a NOSE myself on a new job. One of the veterinarian offices is hiring untrained vet techs...sounds like fun...sounds like wearing scrubs every day...sounds like a NOSE RING! (Sniff, sniff. I miss it.) Well, I'm trying to brace myself for yet another disappointment.
I'm about to head out to the library to see if they have my art book. Maybe I can read it there and save $68.

A Few Pictures of Roxie

Here's my baby, smiling for the camera:

Shirley's Shawl is Finished and Presented

This is the closest that I've come to ACTUALLY getting a gift on time -- it's only a couple of weeks after Mother's Day! This is "Deco" Homespun yarn, knit 12 rows on size 13 needles and then 12 rows on size 7 needles. I also just finished the blanket I made for Brenda. Of course, it was supposed to be a Christmas gift...

First Blog Ever!

Well, here it is, my joining the mass culture late.

I want to have a place to show off my projects! Here I'm going to post the things I knit and the places I go and the things that Roxie does.

A little journal...